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baby sha ::

obviously, i don't look like this now. imagine this picture, but my head is bigger ... HA x 2! it's a rarity that i red nowadays ... not a big fan, but i'm expanding the color palette of the wardrobe, so we'll have to see.

this is me before the world got a chance to do it's damage. i was a fly looking kid dot com.

more recent::

daily illini ::
this was the pic that was on the cover of the DI one day on college. super fat status - being on the cover of the student paper for no particular reason. there was an article about the gyms being crowded after the holidays. that was me with FORFEIT. that was our team name. why? that's what we'd say to the other team ... because they couldn't beat us. YEP!

and every morning i breathe in and i breathe out i wonder to myself what is my life really about? i don't know about the future but i have a fuzzy immediate route. i know that i am human with many imperfections ... i will continue to grow - section by section. i will spite all the fuckin people who hate me ... the ones that think they know me and know wassup. i will never give you fuckers the satisfaction of seeing me give up.

so i guess i'm going to break it down for a minute ...

for anyone that has ever lived with me ... let me apologize right from the beginning ... i apologize for my extreme @ss-hole-nitis. i hope you do realize that i never intended to be a bitch ... but it happens. i never intended to be malicious or directly moody ... but again, it happens. at least for future roommates (although i am going to try to do the living alone thang) ... i'll be able to give them a heads up.

with that being said, let me begin. the first thing that definitely comes to mind is the idea of being mad. the mass consensus has brought to my attention that i'm seemingly mad. you know, in all honesty ... that really isn't it. does anyone watch sex and the city? the only reason i bring it up is because there is the one episode where carey is going to beat aidan down for being in her grill 24/7 (after they move in together). that is a perfect example of how i am and can be.

give me thirty minutes, for real, and i'll be straight.
and it is not anything personal against anyone. it's just me. i need unwind time ... i need some fuckin' chill time. i just need a minute to catch my breath ... i need to check myself and realize that not everything is heart attack worthy ... that my job does not define me ... that i can't please everyone all the time ... that i don't have to be sweatin' someone's @ss right this second because of every and any reason ... i just need a good amount of time to drop everything ... and chill.

in pursuit of this alone time, i do realize i come off pissed. but believe me, i'm not. i'm just avoiding conversation, contact, etc ... because i'm in mid-wind-down and i can't be interrupted. or ... because i'm not totally coherent and don't want to engage in something that i can't give my full attention to. i don't know. maybe that makes sense, maybe it doesn't. but that was one of soon to be many attempts in explanation of that behavior. hopefully it helped. and if not, don't worry ... i'll try again soon :).

i am an extremist to the extreme :)! there is no half way mad ... but then on the positive side, i'm never just half way HAPPY :) :) :)! i like having a good time ... and it really does not take much to make me happy. chillin' by myself ... hoopin' ... even work (yes, i said it!) ... chillin with the fam or friends ... washing my car ... it doesn't matter. as long as you're happy, i'm happy. smilin' from ear to ear - that's what i'm trying to be about.

as for me, it seems that i'm always at work. that takes the majority of my time. when i'm not at work, in all honesty, i just want to be chillin'. it doesn't matter if i'm boob tubing it up trying to catch up on mtv/cw ... or sometimes i just need to be out ... it's all good. as long as i've got a clear head and good company, i'm all gravy. i don't wants no drama no more, so please leave that at home if you want to chill with me :).

everday at least once ... the thought crosses my mind ... i do miss my family. dam.

we have to re-instantiate family day people. i bought some sweet bowling shoes, so i'm down with the rest of the fam. i'm looking into a ball and a bag, so i can be hard core ... LOL =).

funny how things work out sometimes.

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